edit 13 Feb, 2023
I wrote a whole huge piece here about protests and education and whatever... but I just feel so disconnected from the concept of race at this point in my life that I don't feel like I can really speak on the subject any more. So I deleted the body of this post and replaced it with what remains (i.e.; what you're reading now).
I don't feel qualified to speak on the concept of race from any point of view. As an Octoroon with genetic (but not religious) Hebrew (as opposed to Jewish) type of mixed race person, I don't really belong to any group. And those groups are very good at letting me know that I don't belong and they don't want me or my voice. Basically, I'm identifying as anti-race. I guess that's basically like checking "I'd rather not say". I'd prefer to be identified as just an atheistic, left-leaning libertarian (more in line with the early French libertarianism than the current American version) mathematician who enjoys the Oregon outdoors. I know I'll still be too Jew-Black to be White and too White-Jew to be Black and too genetic Hebrew to be Jewish. I never tried to be everything to everyone. I've known for way to long that, racially speaking anyway, I'm not welcome any which way by anyone. And I'm ok with that. But I think it's just gotten to the point where I feel...why am I standing up for anyone when no one's really done the same for me? I'm dealing with everything mentioned in the "Full Disclosure" post and then some. I've got enough on my own plate with no help of my own. I'm not going to martyr myself for any people who don't want anything to do with me.
So, I think the last post I wrote about race will be my last post on that subject. Or this is the last post on race, I guess.
In fact, I'm just going to take a hard left turn and make this a full-time math blog, with some posts with camping pics, and maybe an occasional branch into economics if there's time.
I'm just sort of tired of race, and religion, and pop culture, and politics in general... and the inability of the majority of the people to think beyond their emotions and base desires.
I'm absolutely not tired of mathematics or enjoying the great outdoors.
So yeah...
Happy Black History Month. I do truly hope that one day there won't be a need for Black History Month, because Black History will be seamlessly integrated and fully represented in everyday history lessons. I do truly hope that one day race will be seen for what it is....nothing more than a few sequences of DNA that create only superficial differences.
I'm going to keep all of my old posts up. I don't feel the need to delete past posts/comments just because I've moved on from them. I'm not going to stop voting just because I don't post about politics any more. I'm not going to stop hoping that people can learn to live and let live. But I just don't feel like I can talk about it any more. Maybe some day, but that probably won't come for a long time.
PS- To avoid misconception and misinterpretation, this isn't an angry post. I'm not mad at any group for not accepting me. Being alone in the world is what I know. My first memory is Bill Evenboer (the man who raised me) trying to murder me. If I didn't go crazy and project my pain after that, this isn't going to make me go crazy and project my pain and sense of rejection either. Pain and rejection is really all I know. It's sort of baseline status for me. I'm no more mad at the world now than I was before I wrote this (which is to say, not at all).
Again, I'm not interested in projecting the rejection & pain I've felt in my life on anyone else. I don't plan on even throwing envelopes at tables ever again. I live by a strict code of pacifism. I don't (and never want to) hurt people intentionally in any form. I want to live the most peaceful, happy life that I can. With all the crazy people out there shooting shit up and causing pain in the world...I just don't want anyone misinterpreting this post and thinking I'm on the ledge and I'm about to go crazy.
I know people will always think the worst of me no matter how honest and peaceful I am, but this is my promise that I will never intentionally hurt another person...not even the people who raised me and abused me for my entire life.
Extra edit (17 Feb):
The thing that kind of pushed me to the breaking point with news/current events was this article (link). Aside from the fact that this dickhead was killing innocents during black history month, apparently because of his mommy issues is enough. But it was really the end of the article where I just kind of hit the brick wall. It was his dad saying he was filled with daemons and evil jumping in him and shit...having grown up being told i was filled with daemons and was evil and all that by the people who sexually assaulted me and tried to kill me (who were, coincidently, the people who raised me)...t touched a nerve. It more than touched a nerve. I was stuck in flashbacks for a solid day or two and could barely function. I had to pull myself out by doing math and going to talks and exercising. Thankfully I didn't fall back into the bottle like I used to. But I just can't deal with the craziness right now. I've got my own life to live, and I can't be triggering myself by choosing to read shit that triggers me. So I need a long, long break from doing deep dives into media that result in blog posts. I just need to focus on me. Like I said above, it's not worth martyring myself over. I just need to focus on my work and other things that make me happy. I'm still not fully out of the flashback paralysis either. I'm not going to endanger my mental health for the 20 or so unique visitors per week.
ExtraExtraEdit(10 March):
I feel better about ingesting, digesting, and talking about current events now. It took a little time, but I got myself back to where I needed to be mental health-wise. As I do, I dealt with what came up the best way I know how (some solitary hiking, some exercise, some mathematics, and my homecooking). Anyway, kind of working on a big piece, so I'll update when that's ready.
An additional edit (20 March, 2023):
RIP Irvo Otieno (link to story). This is...a lot. The fact that he was almost completely restrained, but still these people decided to murder him? I may be an atheist, but I do believe evil exists. This what it looks like. I hope everyone in that room gets a maximum sentence.
Without trying to detract from the tragedy...this is one of those stories where I feel a little uncertain about where I should make race an issue. I'm against something like this happening to ANYONE. I don't care if it's a homeless, addicted white woman or an upper-middle class blackman... no one deserves to be killed like that by people meant to help them. I guess I feel like, unless there is an overt racial motive (like if they were calling Mr. Otieno the n-word while they were killing him), I shouldn't be mentioning race. It's a human tragedy,. Sometimes there's grey areas, though. When you see these patterns that feel very racially motivated, which occur in a society that isn't anywhere close to colour-blind, it's hard to not feel like some of these occurrences aren't racially motivated. It felt like George Floyd's death was racially motivated, but then Tyree Nichols got murdered by black cops and you wonder if it's racism, bad hiring/training practices, some combo of both or what. I'm not a psychologist or a sociologist, so I definitely can't analyze the psycho-social context of each and every individual case. So it's confusing. There are somethings that can definitely be chalked up to racism, with no psycho-social analysis to consider. I guess I just worry about turning something that wasn't motivated by race into a racial issue. Because that doesn't help anything either.
Further update (2 April, 2023):
This right here (link) is one of the things that confuses me about what's even being fought for right now. Like beyond my own feelings of isolation in terms of racial identity, the article linked on the subject of Online Blackface (which the article seems to define as primarily impersonating Black people online, but is also broader in definition in some cases) is an instance where you just feel confused. I don't get how you can fight real issues regarding Black existence in America (e.g.; law enforcement issues, low-to-absent representation in areas like STEM (both in academia & the private sector) and law and so on, obstacles to basic rights like voting) while at the same time fighting for what I feel are kind of petty causes (e.g.; the whole Oscars so White thing, this thing they're calling Digital Blackface).
I just feel like there has to be some prioritization. I guess I just don't think worrying about whether or not Millionaire Actors X, Y, or Z lack of Oscars when there's Black people in America being shot for being Black. I'm not worried about whether or not some white guy in Alaska is online posting stuff behind an avatar of a Blackman when I'm at a university and I can't find a single Blackperson in any STEM department (as a student OR professor). The community only benefits from actors winning an Oscar in the most abstract way. End of the day, an Oscar only helps one person out (the winner, obv.). But more Black voices in Computer Science, and Chemistry, and Mathematics and Law and Education..... that helps the whole community, even if the battle is slow and long.
There's power in numbers, the more voices the louder the message, etc. But if time and effort and focus are diverted from real issues to these sort of petty (in relation to the bigger issues) crusades.... the big problems are going to take even longer to solve.
I dunno. I probably shouldn't be voicing an opinion one way or another, but whatever.
Update (9 April, 2023): So related to the last update, THIS (link) is exactly what I mean when I say things like "internet blackface" seem really petty in the face of deeper problems. It's great to have African-Americans in office, but what does that even mean if they can just be thrown out for being a little too over the top in trying to make a point? Personally, I think the 3 Tennessee House members who organized the demonstration could've come up with something just as provocative and thought provoking without the big theatrics. But I also understand why they felt it necessary.
Also, just to make sure it's clear:
While the racial element of the fallout shouldn't be ignored even in the slightest, let's not forget the importance of the original demonstration. Gun violence, especially in public spaces and especially-especially schools and places children gather, is a problem that needs a common-sense, common-ground solution. Neither issue should overshadow the other.
With that disclaimer, I'll go back to the original point. I think this is the type of thing that has to be reckoned with, and it can't be forgotten that there's still a long way to go in terms of real equality. By "real equality", I mean equality in the venues that form the bedrock of our society: politics, education/academia, industry, law, medicine, etc.
This is an important issue, and it needs to be addressed. And I do appreciate that it has been addressed, and has been pretty much universally derided across the aisle (see, for example, the response from the Morning Joe team, which is Conservative-leaning. while the "articulate and well-spoken" part made me wince a little, it's true. PS, I really enjoy Morning Joe, and I usually watch the new clips while I'm having my morning coffee and peanut porridge. I appreciate their ability to keep a balanced perspective even if I don't always agree with their politics).
I'll probably write more on this later. Hopefully it won't be to admonish the whole country for forgetting this even happened.
Update (10 April, 2023):
It looks like Rep. Jones has been reinstated, which is good news. Obviously he's the person his constituents want representing them. That should be respected above all else in a democracy. Hopefully Rep. Pearson is reinstated soon, too..
Update (11 April, 2023)
This is wtf I'm talking about: