A) I honestly don't know. There's the possibility that I'm 100% European by genetic heritage. There's the possibility that I'm not. I've never seen my actual birth certificate, but I've seen a copy that says Bill & Claudia are my real "parents" (I use quotation marks b/c I believe no one who molests their kids or makes their elementary-school-aged children work to provide for their family is a real parent). Then again, I was born in the 80's, and they didn't do comprehensive DNA tests or anything. If someone was in the room and said "I'm the dad", they get on the certificate whether they really were the dad or not.
Part of my confusion of my race stems from the fact that I've been called pretty much every racial slur in the book at some point or another. I've been called an n-word, a k-word (think Jewish people), an s-word (think Latino), a h-word (think white people). I've had Arabs think I'm Jordanian (back when I attended Mosque when I converted to Islam).
Given the fact that I've been "pencil tested" more times than I care to remember (I used to have VERY naturally curly hair.), and called n-word more than any other slur, and I have a Dutch last name, I usually just refer to myself as "Cape Coloured", which is a South African ethnic group that basically...meaning "in an over-simplified way", consists of anyone who can't pass the "not-even-1-drop-of-Non-European-blood" test.
In the end, I really just don't know. I may (or may not) take a DNA test to see what I'm comprised of. I'll publicly share the results on here if/when that happens.
Q) Jonathan, where have you lived and when did you live there?
A) I've lived in the following places during the following time periods:
1) Clinton Ave, Kalamazoo, MI (Washington Square neighbourhood) from approximately 1980 to 1990
2) Homecrest Ave, Kalamazoo, MI (Milwood neighbourhood) from approximately 1990 to 1992
3)Cork St. Kalamazoo, MI (Milwood neighbourhood) from approximately 1992 to 1993 (less than a year)
4)Woodcrest St., Portage, MI from approximately 1993 to 1998
5) Palace St., Grand Rapids, MI from approximately 1998 to 1999 (about a quarter of a year)
6)Woodcrest , Portage, MI ,1999
7) Claires Ct., Portage MI, mid 1999 to late 2000
8) W. Maple St Kalamazoo, MI from about late 2000 to early 2002
9) Dutton Ave, Kalamazoo, MI from approx. 2002 to 2003
10)Romaine Ave, Jersey City, NJ (Journal Square neighbourhood) from 2003 to 2004
11) Christopher Columbus Dr. Jersey City, NJ from about 2004 to 2005
12)Walnut Street, Kalamazoo, MI from about 2005 to 2006
13) Some where near the Morgan Ave L Train Stop in East Williamsburg Brooklyn, NYC (I think it was Moore Street?) 2006 (about 6 months)
14) Pawtucket, RI (forget the street name, as I only lived there for a month)
15)Parkview Ave, Kalamazoo, MI (2006ish)
16) I lived in 4 different places in Bend, OR from late 2006/early 2007 to December 2008 (I forget the street names)
17) S. Park St., Kalamazoo, MI (2008 to early/mid 2010) I actually lived in 1 other apartment during this time, but only for a couple of months)
18) Melody Ln, Corvallis, OR May 15th-ish 2010 to Nov. 2011
19) Main St. Philomath, OR Nov 2011 to present.
Q) Jonathan, have you ever had a job? If so, where and when?
A) Yes. I've held many jobs in my life. Here's a list of (nearly) all of them:
1)Big Jon's Lawn Service from 1989/1990 to about 1996/1997 (it might have even been an LLC, if I remember right..I was subcontracted by a lawyer to mow and maintain the lawns of rental properties he owned through-out Kalamazoo and Portage, MI. I even did my own billing spreadsheets on one of those old green and black screen computers. I bought my own truck (for $50) off my grandmother, and bought a rickity little trailer for the lawnmower and everything. And yes, I was 9 or 10 years old when I started working, and yes, this was the job I held to help pay for my family's food and shelter and such. I made about $3,000 to $5,000 a year [seasonally] on that job, which was really, really good for the early 90's, at any age. That's why I laugh at people who do those kinds of jobs when they call me "lazy" and a "p___y". I'm like "I did everything you're doing now (including taking care of a family) when I was your kids age...so who's the punk, then?" )
2) Harding's Market (Portage, MI) from Winter 1997 to Summer 1998 (got fired for putting 3 stickers from my price sticker gun on the wall, got told I was lucky they didn't call the police on me for defacing property) (part-time)
3)Schlotsky's Deli (Grand Rapids, MI) Summer 1998 to Winter 1999 (about a quarter of a year) (30+ hrs a week while I attended 20 credit hours of culinary school...quit because of burnout)
4)I worked in a plastics molding factory for about 2 days, 2nd shift (via a temp service). Got "let go" after my machine broke down.(1999, a few weeks after moving from Grand Rapids back to Portage)
5)Sam's Club (Portage, MI) Winter 1999 to Summer 2000 (30+ hrs a week) (got fired for not showing up to work during the time off I had been granted to go visit my great grandmother in New Jersey before she died. Of course, they had me work a double shift directly before they fired me. Can't make that up....)
6)Sear's, Roebuck & Co. (Portage, MI) from 2000 to 2002 (30+, with the occasional unpaid overtime weeks) (one job I didn't get fired from...my manager Mike was a real cool guy, and stood up for me when the GM was trying to fire me for...working hard)
7)Metropolitan Title Co (Portage MI) from 2002 to 2003 (30+ hrs a week) (quit to move to NYC/NJ)
8) Some sandwich shop that was next to the Re-Juice-a-Nation in Hoboken, NJ (2 weeks in 2003) (fired because the kitchen made the wrong salad, and the owner delivered it and the disgruntled customer threw the salad at him, apparently...so I got fired)
9) Ground Cafe (Jersey City, NJ) from late 2003 to early 2004. (15-20 hrs a week) (got fired when I didn't finish my sidework after finding out my wallet got stolen during my shift. I had called the boss to let him know the situation, that I was going to check the area from the PATH train to work to see if I could find my ID at least, and he said cool, then he fired me the next day)
10)Patsy's Pizzeria (University Place location, NYC) early 2004 to late 2004-ish (25 to 30+ hrs a week) (got fired for not showing up for a shift. My manager was a cool guy and probably would've let it slide since I was always early and never called out, but I happened to miss a day when the owners came in....so that's on me.)
11) A few other restaurant jobs in NJ/NYC that never lasted more than a few days late from late 2004-ish to early 2005
12) Francois' (Kalamazoo, MI) the rest of 2005 (30+ hours a week, and then some) (quit to move back to NYC)
13) V Steakhouse (Time Warner Building, Columbus Circle, NYC) (25 hours a week.....but paid great) about 4 months in 2006 (got fired because the expediter called me a "f___ckin fa___ot" in front of everyone for no reason. I was about to bust him over the head with one of our 30 lb silver trays, but I thought better of it and went and told the front of house manager about it and clocked out and left so I didn't bust the expediter over the head. The next day I got a phone call saying I was fired. Fun aside: later the restaurant was sued, and lost the suit, for stealing a significant amount of tips from the staff. I got a few hundred dollars from the settlement.)
14) Francois' (Kalamazoo, MI) (30-ish hrs a week) about 3 months in 2006
15) Devon Title Co (the rest of 2006 to early-ish 2007) (30+ hours a week) (quit to move to Bend, OR)
15)The Village Baker (Bend, OR) a few months in 2007 (got fired because..."it didn't work out". Wasn't a big deal...3rd shift messed with my life, and I could never braid the Challah loaves the right way anyway.)
16)Camalli Book Co. (Bend, OR) 2007-2008 (quit to move back to MI. One of the better jobs I ever had, with one of the nicest bosses I ever had. I was sad to hear they went out of business)
17)Bistro Corlise (Bend, OR) 2007-2008 (I worked on and off there...kind of "on-call". I had a good relationship with the owners and sous-chef, and when they needed extra help. I'd get 10 hours a week in here and there washing dishes or helping clean or even serving/prep cooking.. Sometimes more, sometimes none at all. The restaurant business in Bend is.... a fickle beast)
(The sous-chef and one of the waiters from Bistro Corlise were actually the people who introduced me to mushroom hunting. We went out to collect white chanterelles for the restaurant somewhere between LaPine and what I think was Crane Prarie Resevoir? Anyway, they taught me how to differentiate between the desirable white chanterelles and the nasty, probably poisonous, russulas. Chanterelles are still a favourite of mine. I like the golden ones (more common around here, in the Coast Range) in omelettes)
18) Seber Tans PLC (Kalamazoo, MI) Tax Season 2009 (got let go after tax season. I was mostly doing data entry stuff and filing. And it wasn't...a great fit...to continue past seasonal work)
19) Temp Jobs (the rest of 2009) ( Included moving rental furniture across state for a furniture rental company and doing stuff like breaking concrete with a sledge hammer in basements for plumbers) (Quit after graduating from KVCC, then moved back to OR)
20) OSU Herbarium (A couple of weeks in 2011) (Did data entry, but quit because I needed to focus on classes and... I don't know why I was expecting it to be more research oriented, but I felt unfulfilled by the job.)
Since then, I've just focused on school and independent research.
Occasionally I would work as a janitor in the buildings Bill and Claudia Evenboer co-owned in Portage, MI, but I have never worked as a real estate agent/broker nor have I ever worked as an IT professional, for them or anyone else. In fact, I am completely untrained in any of those things and have no certifications to be a broker/agent or an IT professional. I also have troubles figuring out how to burn CD's sometimes, so I definitely wouldn't be a good IT tech.
Q)Jonathan, do you hate all white people and have a desire to completely over-throw the Modern Western Civilization that has been primarily modeled on the traditional European culture?
A) "LOL, no." is probably the best response. to that I think European culture has contributed to the world many supremely important institutions. The modern university system is very European in the way it's structured. Modern science and medicine is very indebted to that system, and those are also very good things. So I don't want to see the Western university system be destroyed, but I DO want to see it become less Euro-centric, both in terms of curriculum AND in who gets to participate (both as teachers and as learners). So what I'm saying is I'm not against a European invention or institution (in this case the university system). What I AM against is the (ahem) white-washing of history where we start accepting the narrative that says ONLY Europeans contributed to those institutions (and others). Modern Western civilization is great, in that Modern Western civilization IS a mish-mash of many elements contributed by many cultures from around the world. It's just that we're only now starting to really acknowledge that explicitly. For example, we credit democracy to the Greeks, but do you think that in all of those thousands of years before the Greek civilization came about, nobody took a vote on any issue concerning a whole tribe or village? That's democracy, whether it's named as such or not. Maybe you could say the Greeks better defined democracy, but I contend that democracy was something that evolved as an idea and institution, not something that one small group made up out of nowhere. Ancient people from every corner of earth were more than likely voting on things democratically before, during and after the Greeks finalized their version of democracy.
So I can't make some blanket statement like "I hate white people". But I do hate oppression and injustice, and I hate the people (of any race, sexual preference, or whatever) who actively work towards oppressing people.
Q) Jonathan, since you like and listen to "gangsta rap", you must be all about guns, right?
A) Wrong. I've never owned a gun. I've shot guns for target practice before. But I've never owned a gun. The first time I shot a gun was during target practice during a weekend winter camping trip with all of the men and male children over age 12-ish from my "parents" church. I was maybe 11? Maybe younger... But I do remember being....well, shocked by how much recoil even a 22 gauge rifle had, or a 9 mm pistol. I respected the power of a gun. And I've watched people hunt, so I've seen what a gun can do even when the target is a nimble deer hundreds of yards away (so imagine what a gun can do to a human at close range, whether they're moving or stationary). Maybe all that combined with the occasional gun violence behind my first childhood home and my own brushes with almost getting hit by strays through out my life led me to never buy a gun.
At the same time, I'm not totally anti-gun. I do appreciate the fact that most gun owners are smart, well-trained gun owners who aren't out to pop a few rounds in the first person who steps on their lawn or whatever. They own guns for hunting (hopefully for food, and not just sport...but that's a different topic), or because they like to do target practice of some kind or some other benign gun activity. On one hand, you could say "Well, can't they just use bows and arrows or something less powerful to do the same thing?" Maybe. Probably. But guns are things that have become deeply ingrained in the culture of America (and beyond). Like most things deeply ingrained in a society, it's hard to just make a society go cold turkey on that. But I do believe that the majority of honest, non-violent gun owners and gun dealers should be taking better precautions to prevent guns from falling into the hands of people who will use them for violent purposes. This means, for example, better mental health screenings for potential gun owners. It means not allowing guns to be sold online; having an "I need to see you, personally, in front of me before I can sell you this gun" law.
My hope would be that someday we don't need guns (and bombs and such) at all for any reason. But the reality is, these things exist, and they will for a long time, if not forever. So the best approach to the gun issue is: respect and support the honest and ethical gun owners, and work with them to find a set of gun laws and policies that allows for honest, ethical gun owners to do their thing while also limiting availability of guns to kids and people with mental health issues and/or a pronounced and verifiable predisposition to violence and other mental health issues that might significantly contribute to someone committing an act of gun violence.
Q) Jonathan, do you support the Nation of Islam?
A) Not especially. Not "over anything else"... which is to say, I support its original goals, which were protecting the lives of and taking part in the education of the African American community through self-sufficiency in the face of a government and society that was being everything and anything but helpful in that protection & education process. I think the emphasis on healthy living that WD Fard & Elijah Mohammad espoused is a universal message we can all agree on (at the time, it was akin to FLOTUS having a public Be Healthy programme). I'm indebted, ideologically, to Malcolm X (especially his post-Hajj and thus post-NOI viewpoint). I think Farrakhan addresses some racial issues others are afraid to touch, & he does so from a place of honesty and isn't as much of a hate-monger as he appears to be based on media perception (eg; I've listened to full audio &/or read complete transcripts of some of his more...shall we say dubious [for example the "Hitler was a great man" partial-quote]...comments, and usually, when taken in the context of the complete quote, it's no where near as bad as an edited media-quote given for general public consumption). I DO think the NOI fell off a bit, and got involved with things like Scientology and losing focus on the modern community and being too focused on separation and an impossible level of self-sufficiency (no group is really self-sufficient any more...even white people are dependent on Arabs, Asians, Africans, and so on in) a world that is moving to an inevitable, complete global inter-dependency. I think any organized religion or even non-organized religion eventually and inevitably becomes corrupt (not necessarily in the "evil" sense of corruption) by the very nature of it's reason for being. Offering people gods and paradise when none exist is always, in my opinion, a corrupt endevour from the start.
In the end, my view on NOI is no different than my view on moderate politics/economics, libertarianism, socialism, 5% nation (NGE), Wicca, Islam or anything else: I take the good from it and use those good things to inform an ever evolving personal viewpoint in an attempt to (hopefully) be part of the ever-evolving global dialogue and all of the the ideological adjustment and refinement that that entails. In my opinion, until groups like the KKK are gone from the Earth, groups like NOI need to exist to offer a counter-balance. Hate doesn't cancel hate, but at the same time, allowing one form of hate to exist while erasing another form of hate is hypocritical.
Update 3/1/18: I've seen some articles from major news sources about Farrakhan's Saviouors Day Address comments about Jewish folks. I don't condone antisemitism. I don't condone comments that vilify a whole group of people. based on the actions of a few. Are there Jewish people who do evil things? Of course. There's also black, white, Arab, Asian, Indian, Native American...etc...people who do evil things. I haven't listened to the Saviours Day address, so I can't comment on much of what Farrakhan said there. What I did see were his comments on Billy Graham's anti-Semitic comments. My interpretation of that is that he was pointing out the hypocrisy that (in general) white anti-Semites tend to be less vilified for their hateful remarks. Graham was, after all, given a government-sponsored funeral despite a history of bigotry. I honestly don't see the difference between Graham and Farrakhan (outside of skin colour and choice of religion). But I doubt we'll ever see the US government or any president honour Farrakhan when he passes. I felt like his comments on Graham and Graham's anti-Semitism were just pointing out that hypocrisy. No separatist group belongs in any governing bodyt, regardless of racial or religious affiliation. Yet we allow many white, Christian separatists into our government. In my opinion, that's the hypocrisy Farrakhan was (and has been) pointing out.
Like I've said, I'm not the biggest Farrakhan fan, but I do think he makes some valid points, and pointing out that hypocrisy is (in my opinion) a perfectly valid point.
/continuation Q)Jonathan, are you really a five-percenter? Aren't they bad guys?
A) I wouldn't go so far as to say I belong to ANY group, but I do subscribe to the best portions of that philosophy, yes. In my mind's eye, I view my personal interpretation of NGE/5% philosophy as being a modern version of Taoism. This is to say, it's not a religion or religious philosophy as such, being that there are no "magic floaty sky bound" gods involved in its...dogma, for lack of a better term.. It's a philosophy based on lessons gleaned from both the natural and human worlds that surround us. Supreme Mathematics is NOT numerology, it's simply a methodology of describing the world and studying our own thought processes as well as the thought processes of those we discuss Supreme Mathematics with. So, to put it more succinctly, it's a mnemonic device, not numerology. Numerology is an idea such as taking random numbers from the christian bible to predict when the world is going to end. A mnemonic device is just a way of concisely stating a larger idea. Supreme Mathematics is more like a code system to help you remember "files" (or packets of information) and what's inside those files. It has nothing to do with divination or any mystical predictive system (like astrology, for instance...which is in it's own way a type of numerology via geometry by making predictions based on perceived angles between stars and planets).
As we are all "G.O.D.", we all have a worldview from which our interpretations are formed, or interpretations of the world through which we are formed. We shape the world this way, whether it be on the largest scale (globally) or the smallest scale (ourselves). Some aspects of the 5% philosophy, I can't hold with. For instance I can't view man above woman in any way (though I understand how that idea was more important in an era when the "nuclear family" ideal wasn't as easy to achieve for certain segments of the population...I mean, there was a time not too long ago when the Black Woman was regarded by white America as "the Black Prostitute", and it was important to find a way to protect her from the white men who might rape her when she walked down the street because they viewed her as something less than human. Part of the "keep the women at home" philosophy that comes with certain aspects of the "woman as home-keeper" philosophy stems from that kind of climate.). But that's where "build/destroy/rebuild" comes in. The 5% "doctrine" has, built in to it, the ability to progress with society without contradicting itself or creating "terminal redundancies" (eg: the New Testament of Christians made the entirety of the Old Testament "terminally redundant" according to Christian doctrine. It's odd, then, that so many modern Christians still use laws from the Old Testament to justify their own prejudices and harmful actions...even though using the Old Testament in such a way thus makes their New Testament doctrine "terminally redundant"). This is another way in which I see duality in the 5% and Taoist philosophies.. The acknowledgement that the world and people change, and philosophy inevitably changes with the world. Stagnant waters eventually poison themselves with bacteria and microorganisms that are harmful to any creature who drinks them, if you follow that metaphor.
I don't really want to discuss the 5% doctrine more than that on this page. I probably will end up writing more some day, but for now.....
Oh, and as to the the idea that all 5%ers are drug dealers or criminals or whatever.... some are, but most aren't. But guess what? Some Christians sell drugs and commit horrendous crimes. Same for Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Wiccans, Democrats, Republicans and whatever other group (religious or secular) that exists on this planet past, present or future..
Postscript: Real Talk: If it were up to me, I'd change the name from "Nation of Gods and Earths" to "Nation of Gods and Goddesses".
Q) So, Jonathan, you're an atheist?
A) Absolutely. When I drowned at age 3-ish when my "dad" left me on some stairs in the deep end of a pool and walked away...just left me there...there were no lights or anything. It was the same as sleeping. When I was a kid I prayed for years (silently) for the sexual abuse and physical abuse to stop, but it never did. All I got for my prayers was more sexual abuse, more physical abuse, and also the responsibility of being a breadwinner/rent payer for a family of 4 (including myself, obviously) at the age of 9 years old. The church we went to (a Christian church) took 10% of what my "family" didn't, with a smile. Even when I was 9. I actually chose to be baptized at around age 8 or so, and all I got was more of the same: sexual abuse from family members, being told I was demonically possessed by family members, and everything else I stated above. Later in life I also had some borderline delusional Christian girl think that...like Jesus had promised me to her or something. Just....creepy. She did that kind of thing (grabbing me and trying to force me to kiss her and stuff like that) for about 10 years or so. Even after I told her (numerous times, over numerous years) that I wasn't interested at all, and it was best to think of me as a friend or brother.
Whether the christianity I encountered was fundamentalist in nature, or hippy-dippy, there was never anything I found to be positive about it.
I was Muslim for a few years (I took Shahaddah and everything, and took a Muslim name (Talal)...made Salat 5 times a day, made Oodoo before every prayer, practiced Ramadan, etc. though I never made Hajj). I tried going to Jewish Temple, dabbled in Wiccan philosophy, dabbled in Taoism, and on and on. It just all seemed the same to me. And none of it helped me with any of my real problems (like PTSD from...well, having my "dad" try to kill me, and my "family" sexually abusing me). But even aside from my personal experience.... I just can't reconcile what I see on this Earth with any notion of a (pantheon of) god(s).
Being an atheist doesn't make me a bad person who has no morality because I don't fear going to some Hell. If anything, it makes me more in tune with proper human morality and conduct. Because I don't believe in any god(s), I don't believe that I can do whatever I want to people and then go pray myself to absolution and fool myself into thinking there's no ultimate repercussions for negative/hurtful actions. If anything, atheism has helped me focus more on doing the right thing here on Earth, and doing the best I can for my fellow humans because...well, this is all we have. So we have to make the absolute best of it. We have to be the absolute best people we can be.. I owe a lot of that philosophy to my acceptance of atheism as my personal non-belief system.. Most people can't even do that even when they DO fear some sort of Hell, so.....
The closest I come to "believing" (in a purely hypothetical/rhetorical conversation kind of way, not in an "actual belief" kind of way) in some kind of after-life is this: I think there's a very (veryveryvery) remote POSSIBILITY that, since our thoughts and memories and such are apparently the product of the electrical system that runs our brains, those electrical impulses might somehow "live on" in part or in whole when we decompose or whatever, and that electricity is released. So MAYBE there's a chance that here or there some of our individual memories or thoughts can "live on" past our lives in the larger ecological/biological system that comprises life on Earth. And even all of that seems extremely far-fetched to me, but it's (slightly) more plausible to me than some sort of mythological "resurrection of an incorporeal soul".
If someone WERE to say to me "I believe nature is god (lowercase on purpose)", I wouldn't completely disagree. The lower case "g" represents the lack of any being(s) you could specifically call "God(s)". It represents, more so, the idea that there is some sort of universal structure that holds al ofl this together. You can call it "laws of Physics" if you're more inclined to scientific explanation and nomenclature. You can call it "cosmic glue" if you're more inclined to artistic/literary or spiritual explanation and nomenclature. But neither of those terms implies some Being with a set of Rules and Dogma. What both terms imply is a set of natural rules, which are prone to be broken (via Incompleteness and Chaos Theorems) at least once in a while by the nature of...nature, that govern things like "gravity" and "DNA" and all of the things that provide the framework for phenomena like the life cycle of stars or people. Physics is a way to describe all of these things, and math is the language of physics. The language of Physics evolved out of the necessity to explain things like tides and gravity and medicine and explanations for how nature works and all of the things we take as given. These are all evolved from the human mind. All of which came to be, and is kept together by...NATURE! So if someone said "I believe nature is god", I'd be like "I can see the argument". Now if someone said "I worship nature as a God!!", I'd say "You're taking it too far and reverting to the mysticism and superstition we need to move past as a global human community".
The idea of the existence of a "creative force" is something I occasionally think about, or rather, that I meditate on. Is it an impossibility that such a force exist? Like Gore Vidal said, "We're ALL agnostics"(link; whole clip is worth watching), meaning no one REALLY knows for certain what lies beyond this life or how the universe, and life within the universe, started. Sometimes, in the past, I've flirted with a sort of Agnostic Deism (loosely, the idea that there MIGHT BE a creative force or being, but that that being has no interaction with humanity. There's no "divine revelations" in the form of any holy books. There's no special people getting whispers from heaven to share with the rest of us, with whom a supposed deity apparently has no interest in confiding said revelations). Sometimes, in the past, I've taken comfort in that possibility of there being some Big Unknown Cloud Buddy or whatever, but usually I just assume the following:
So long as I do good for myself and for as many others as possible, I'm going to be ok one way or another. So long as I don't try to take advantage of others in any way (be it financially, emotionally, physically, etc), I'm doing good for others, and for myself by extension. So long as I'm a good person by the above criteria, I'll be good regardless of the ultimate existence of some divine or creative being. And if there's no ultimate being, I was just a good person...which is what I should be regardless of the existence of a Magic Floaty Monster. Ultimately, I take more comfort in the thought of the absence of an after-life than I do in the existence of one.
Throughout my childhood and teen years, I probably read the Christian Bible in its entirety about 3 or 4 times(mostly out of fear, because of the Evenboers constantly telling me that I was possessed by demons). The one and only Bible verse I take some amount of comfort in is "Be hot or be cold, for if you are lukewarm I will spit you from my mouth". I see this as saying "Do good for yourself AND others either by a given set of beliefs pertaining to a certain religion, or do good for yourself AND others based on a humanistic approach and one way or another, you'll be ok when it's all done. But if you choose a path/cycle of sinning-repentance-sinning-repentance (ie; being lukewarm in your religious or humanistic belief), than you'll be the person who finds no comfort during (or potentially after) their death." I'm so cold on religion that I wouldn't even consider marrying a religious/spiritual person.
End of the day, beyond all the rhetorical and hypothetical "philosophizing" above...yes I'm an atheist. I don't believe in any deity. I don't believe in any after-life. I don't believe in a "soul" or "spirit". I don't believe in "power of prayer" or any hokeyness like that. I don't have doubts about my atheism. I don't struggle with it.
Q)So why did you go to OSU (Oregon State Uni)?
A) I initially came for the fact that OSU actually had a mycology programme, and my main interest at that point was studying enzymatic structures/systems of ectomychorrizal fungi (these fungi create symbiotic relationships with he root systems of vegetation, and are completely and totally interesting). This explains why my name is associated with the North American Truffling Society (whose existence was another reason I chose OSU over the other 2 or 3 schools with a mycology programme). I have since ended my relationship and any involvement with NATS.. The interest in the enzyme-aspect led me to switch my major to chemistry/biochem-physics to physics and eventually to mathematics. My joke is that I decided I didn't like working with reality, so I switched to math. In reality, I view mathematics as a subject that allows me the freedom to work in economics, physics (both exterior and interior), mathematics itself, and so on.
I've stuck with OSU simply because I don't have any other options. I didn't know Oregon was/is such a racist state and I wouldn't have come here if I had known that before-hand. I have made attempts at transferring (University of Washington, most...notably? They rejected my application in record time and told me I could take online classes or classes at UW@Tacoma [neither offer a math degree, fyi]). That's why I am here. No other reason. Although, I guess another reason I chose OSU over other schools with a mycology programme is Oregon's wonderful Wildernesses. I do love a lot of the Wilderness pockets out here (such as Three Sisters Wilderness, Sky Lakes Wilderness, and Opal Creek Wilderness, to name a few).
edit (4/21/18): I guess at this point the logical follow-up/question would be "given the above statements, why have you stuck with OSU?". Honestly, I do like some aspects of the school itself. Some of my relationships with some profs I wasn't getting along with have taken better, friendlier turns. So my attitude has softened somewhat in that regard. I think the above statements replying to the original question make it sound like I have/had no respect for faculty here. That's not the case. A lot of the prof's here do good, interesting work. There are some prof's who are good at teaching, too. Some do both well.
I've also noticed a gradual shift towards a more open, tolerant campus in general (and even in town). Is it perfect? Of course not. No campus is (or probably ever will be). It's a school with a fairly large and diverse international student body element, and from what I've seen a growing non-white American element, so there's always going to be cultural miscommunications of varying degrees (ranging from "innocently lost-in-translation" to "infuriating stereotypes") as people become adjusted to interacting with that kind of shift. And there's always people who are outright resistant and/or hostile to change, for one reason or another. But OVERALL, it's definitely been good to see the way things have progressed here. Of course, I'm the type of person who always thinks things can be better, so I'm never fully happy even when things are improving. Still, I have to say that things ARE getting better out here, regarding cultural matters (e; race, sexuality, religion).
Q) Jonathan, are you totally unstable, psychologically?
A) Absolutely. What do you expect after a lifetime of people (predominantly supposed "family" and "good christians") attempting to murder me? After a lifetime of sexual abuse at the hands of the same people? After a lifetime of showing up to classes in public schools with visible STD's as early as kindergarten...and nobody does anything about it? What do you expect from somebody who's "parents" forced them, as a child, to be a source of income for the family, while other adults (including attorneys!) sat by and encouraged and enabled that behaviour? What do you expect from someone who got beaten by their "father" for things like not going to a voluntary waterpolo practice because they felt sick? Sometimes (in my darker hours) I truly feel the one great tragedy of my life is that I'm not suicidal. But the fact is, I like life too much and my sense of responsibility to myself and humanity in general is such that I just can't bring myself to say "F__K life". And I value the lives of others too much to ever "go crazy" and try to hurt someone(s) else...at least on purpose.
When I say I'm unstable, what I mean is that... I have "pronounced extremes" in my emotional behaviour. I can be really outgoing and nice and such, and can be really trusting of others. But then the past memories and such pop in, and I revert to isolating myself because all of my past experience informs my current mind state. In those times, where I revert to isolating myself, my level of trust in others...that they want to know me at all or want to help me or want to let me be a part of their community and such...it drops to zero. Sometimes, even when a person is seemingly trying to do everything to help me (I'm thinking of one particular doctor at OSU, specifically), I can only see bad intentions even when my better judgement says "It's ok to trust this person!"
That's what I mean when I say I'm unstable psychologically. To a certain extent, we're ALL unstable. That's part of the gift and the curse of being a human, with all of the human intelligence and human emotional range that the phrase "being human" entails. For me, (like many others with PTSD), that natural instability is just... more pronounced and is more...dramatic...when it rears its head.