1) Having a physics student tell me that they "doesn't like the black accent": This was one of those "I can't believe this is actually happening in real life" moments.. This incident happened in the physics study room in Weniger Hall. I also heard "Fried chicken and watermelon" and "I hate the way Chris Rock talks" (which was the intro, I guess, to the black accent comment). What makes this incident even more memorable is that I took the issue to a (tenured) physics professor, only to be rebuffed with the comment that "It's a form of hazing. " which..... ok? I really want to reiterate that this was a TENURED PROFESSOR recieving grant money from a government run by a black man. I wouldn't even be surprised to find out that this prof did, in fact, vote for said black man. While I've continued trying to study, research, and ultimately graduate and work in mathematics, this comment and the subsequent related incidences helped me realize that this isn't actually possible (at least, not in the PNW, if not the US).
2) Getting shot at in the Mary's Peak wilderness: This was the 4th time in my life I've been shot at (1st time in MI in my youth, other two times in the greater NYC/NJ area). It happened the week before I was to give my talk for the NUMS event in Tacoma (meaning this is pretty recent). This really messed me up because, up until the shooting, MPW was a place where I found peace and relaxation, which was a new set of emotions/feelings for me. I had almost forgot what it's like to hear that whistle... like a sound-cone... the tracer effect... loud to...evaporation of the whistle. Its hard to describe. In nature, you can't duck behind a dumpster or into an alley. Just jump in your car and go. fast.
3) Getting handcuffed on my porch: I was having a bad night. I called someone I thought was a friend. They said they'd be over. But instead the Beast showed up 3 deep (bullet proof vests and all!) and decided I wasn't being "co-operative" (even though I was answering all of their questions), so they handcuffed me and put me in the back of a cruiser. I guess that's...awesome?
4) Being introduced as "the cool talk" at NUMS in Tacoma: I'm still not 100% sure why I, as opposed to other speakers, was specifically "the cool talk". It was difficult to gauge whether or not I gave a "cool(ey?) talk", but there you are. In fact my whole experience at NUMS in Tacoma was fraught with confusing moments. From the gate, even though I had submitted and abstract and registered within a week of registration opening, I was not listed on the...list... of participants. In fact I had to argue that I was me by showing my student ID, my drivers license and my name in the programme of events. The whole time that I was arguing that I was me and I was giving my talk, there was an Oregon State mathematics professor (tenured) standing right there, literally a few inches to my right. This professor said nothing in my defense, in fact staying completely silent through out the whole ordeal. It should be noted that this professor is related non-professionally to the professor who told me that racism is just a form of hazing in the OSU physics department.
As an interesting aside, I found out recently (a few days ago) that the OSU Physics Dept. was formerly the home to the founder of the National Alliance, a prominent "white power" organization in America. I wonder if President Obama knows that the money from his government is being freely given to professors who are ok with kids being racist in a scholarly setting. I know he came here and ate pizza, so I guess he's cool with it.
5)"Finding "mathematics: All of the above is especially bothersome to me because I really, really enjoy mathematics. It's been (and continues to be) something that motivates and excites me. Despite the fact that it "could take 3 to 4 years to complete (my) undergraduate programme" (real quote from a real professor (not tenured)), I still can't feel discouraged even when I just want to give up. I identify as "atheist", but if I were to define a "higher power" in my life (in AA jargon), I'd call it math. As I define it, "higher power" means motivating factor.. Something that occupies the mind in such a way that it holds a "higher power" over your mind and keeps the mind from going back to the bad/toxic places that previously held power over you.
6) Cutting out the toxic relationships in my life: Not talking to people who had previously been triggers to me drinking and, in general, feeling horrible. While this has led to a lot of solitude for me, sometimes having no one to talk to is better than having to talk to the people you used to talk to. Moving out west was a conscious move towards cutting those out, and I've been fairly successful in maintaining my "bad people from the past" filter.
7) Wilderness!: The thing that helped me find calm. While this summer has been ridiculously hot (and I did get some nasty sun/heat exposure on the broken top trail to green lakes) and I haven't gone out as much, it's still my pleasure and joy to get out and hike miles on and off trail to see amazing things like a spring pouring water out of the side of a mountain or clouds being born from the temperate rain-forests. Finding some small waterfall or meadow or lakelet off the beaten path... all of it is good.
8)Being told that even if I am being discriminated against, i "can't prove it": Again. this is a real quote from a real OSU (tenured) professor.. I was worried about age discrimination, this was the answer. This professor also ended up writing a paper extremely similar in context/subject matter as a paper I had written for one of their classes. It was...discouraging?..to read that paper after getting a 50%-ish on the paper I handed in to them.
9)My people: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cape_Coloureds
knowledge of self is an important aspect to ones growth. If nothing else, I totally empathize with the cultural "situation" of the people. Never really belonging to the African or White groups. Always kind of on the outside, never really being fully.... addressed, always viewed as a forgettable inconvenience..
10)Alerting the Math Dept. of all of my problems in the Math Dept. and never hearing back: Not a word. Two years straight. This is the year end student survey of the dept. (needs met, etc.). It's cool, though. Just like me and my talk.
(and thats a wrap! 9/14/15)